


Liminal

by Dokuhan



Category: Joker Game (Anime)
Genre: Character Study, Family, Gen, Nationalism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-09-02 02:23:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16777756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dokuhan/pseuds/Dokuhan
Summary: Originally written for the Double Agent 2 Joker Game fanzine.Liminal:(noun)1. relating to a transitional or initial stage of a process; 2. occupying a position at, or on both sides of, a boundary or threshold.Tazaki writes a letter to his mother.





	Liminal

The manila envelope felt like a ton of bricks when Yuuki placed it in his hands. It wasn’t thick, there were so few papers that he could easily fold it into eights, and nothing bulged out to indicate that there were any objects sitting at the bottom. It wasn’t anything physical, it was just the idea of it.

After he read it, committed it to memory, and burned it – he could still feel the heaviness resting there. But it was fine, really.

Tazaki was just used to carrying the weight of the world on his body.

Maybe it had started when he was a child, fascinated with tricks and hobbies other children entertained only on the surface. Maybe it has started as he grew older, when his peers started rolling their eyes at those same interests. It could have started when his family sent him abroad, clear in their intention to find something _useful_ for their third son to do with his time.

At Oxford, which really felt like a lifetime ago rather than just two years, things had been different. Not really for the worse, but certainly not for the better. At that time in his life felt content to make something work, so he put his best foot forward. Magic and sleight of hand were pushed to the side, fencing took priority. His schoolmate’s comments were brushed off before they really got a chance to sting. He adapted.

But then he had gotten another letter (so much smaller than the one he held in his hands that morning). His mother told him it was time to come home, to serve his Emperor and his country, and suddenly it felt like he was taking 12 steps backwards. He wasn’t even sure _why_ he felt that way at the time – perhaps living in the West had changed something inside him and he had worked so hard trying to fit in that he had erased the important aspects of his Japanese identity.

Fear chilled his bones and he wanted nothing more than to just throw away the letter, to act none the wiser and put it off for as long as he could. Still…it was his mother and it was his family’s reputation on the line.

Then he met Yuuki on the journey home, and with him came a chance to avoid conscription. The price had been hefty and there hadn’t been time to tie up any loose ends; but for once he found individuals that shared his vision, that could keep up with him, and that didn’t want to blindly throw themselves to death for something as vague as honor and duty.

Tazaki had traded the weight of being an imperial soldier for the weight of worry. What had his family been told? What could have happened if he didn’t pass D Agency’s curriculum? He only knew that his old identity, the name his mother specifically had given him, was erased from official records.

Had his mother cried? Had she thought he was a coward that was just running away? Did she believe that he had died on the trip home – thrown to sea to prevent the spread of a disease or dragged into an alleyway never to be seen again? What would happen if they passed each other on the street years down the line?

He slapped at his cheeks and shook his head, trying to clear away the endless questions. Tazaki sighed and looked down at his watch. His boat for Manchuria was due to leave early in the morning, if he didn’t go to sleep right away there would be no point in trying for the rest of the night. It wasn’t like there were that many people left to wake up anyway.

Odagiri was gone, and there was no point in figuring out what happened to him. Fukumoto had left for his own mission in Manchuria the day before and Hatano and Kaminaga were somewhere in the middle of the ocean on their way to Europe. Miyoshi never seemed to be around anymore. That meant he only had to worry about Amari and Jitsui.

He looked at his watch again, his heart beating in his ears with each passing second. He reached down into one of the desk drawers, pulling out paper and a fountain pen. It was a stupid notion, but he felt like he needed to do it.

_Dearest Mother,_

Tazaki felt his chest tighten and almost crumpled up the paper and threw it away. There was no point in doing this, he couldn’t give her specifics or tell her what had happened. His fingers continued to move.

_The days are growing warmer in Japan, summer is almost upon us…_

This time he actually stopped and crumpled the letter. No, she couldn’t know he had even made it to Japan in the first place. He tried again.

_Dearest Mother,_

_I hope that you are in good health. The days are warm and I know you are sensitive to heat, I hope that you are taking care of yourself._

Good. Vague.

_My heart yearns for the day we can see each other again, though I do not know when or if that will be possible._

_I received your letter in England, but I am unsure if you ever got my correspondence back. I hope you did not wait too long for me at the port, you must have been disappointed when I did not show up. In a way, I hope it never reached you so you would not have had to go through that._

Tazaki frowned and debated crossing the last part out. He dipped the pen into the inkwell sitting on the desk.

_I had full intention of coming home, Mother, and joining my brothers in the army. I want nothing more than to make you and Father proud. However, a better opportunity to serve our Emperor came to my attention and I could not let it pass me by._

_You might think me a coward, but this opportunity might just be what keeps me alive. I met a soldier recently, one that was so dedicated to giving up his life for the sake of Japan – and I just could not imagine giving into the futility of such a thing._

_What good is a soldier that lives only to die for his country? How can I embrace Japanese victory if I am no longer living? If only my spirit is here, then there will be no one to carry our family into this future we are working towards._

In all reality, Tazaki wasn’t even sure what would happen after his time as a spy was over. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted a family to begin with, much less if he would be allowed to do so.

This letter wasn’t for him, though.

_I hope that one day you can forgive me for this. If years from now, if our paths were to meet, you were to embrace me again as your son. Until that time comes, I want you to know that I am thinking of you._

_Please send my regards to Father, Giichi, Fusanosuke, and Harue._

_Your son,_

Tazaki stared down at the page, hesitating before he could write down the characters of his birth name. He swallowed harshly and forced himself to put down the pen. He folded up the paper and stuffed it in the envelope before scribbling on the address of his family home. With shaking hands, he lit a cigarette and pushed away from the desk.

There was a knock at the door frame and he turned to look.

“Am I interrupting something?” Miyoshi asked, almost knowingly.

Tazaki exhaled smoke through his nose, picking up the letter to tuck it into his suit pocket, “Just trying to figure out a new card trick, I could show you if you’d like.” He stood up and pushed the chair back in, “It’s always a pleasant surprise to see you around lately.”

“One can only wander around by themselves for so long. I’ll take you up on that card trick if you’ll have a drink with me in the sitting room.”

“Well, if you’re going to insist on it.”

* * *

Tazaki passed three different mail boxes on his way to the ship. The letter burned in his chest pocket, feeling heavier with each step he took.

As the boat pulled out of the port, ready to make its way to Manchuria and Tazaki’s new life, he pulled it out. He could always send it when he arrived, it would probably be safer if it had postage outside of Japan. He could even wait a year or two, and see if he was assigned somewhere else to cover his tracks even more.

He looked out to the horizon, and saw Japan slowly drift farther and farther away. At some point, he couldn’t even see it at all.

The manila envelope from the day before had felt like a ton of bricks, but the small white envelope he held at that moment felt like a cannonball.

Tazaki tore it in half, and then into quarters, and then finally into eights. The shreds slipped through his fingers and into the water below.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written for the second Double Agent fanzine, which you should all download because it's filled with a lot of amazing work: http://i-dedicate-this-kill-to-the-fans.tumblr.com/post/175376116359/double-agent-2-a-joker-game-fanzine-hi-everyone
> 
> I have a thing where I like to write about loss and mourning, but also take it into a different place. A lot of this piece is essentially Tazaki letting go of his self identity and his familial bonds, trying to release it in a cathartic way. I hope it came across that way.


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